'No input = No output; "Merry Christmas my arse"'

SEO Tramp – Now with those extra optimised recipricul 3 way links and shit.

Scene 1: An office somewhere. An email is opened.

Search Editor (no I don’t know either): “There have been discussions from higher up in our organistaion questioning the value of SOE..”

I could go on but I’ve wasted enough time already (my cans are getting warm thanks to fat Mary).

SEO Tramp; “F&cking c*nt. Eh?”

In a room somewhere I feel my ears burning about the disatisfaction of performance, my role, my work and what can be done i.e. another round of un-deliverable deliverables for appeasement is required.

A meeting is arranged. How to defend yourself against pointless accusations and your position, justify your value. Various floppy randoms are present.

Some eejit: “So we’re all here on Christmas Eve to discuss what value your organistation and SEO is currently providing”

This statement is then followed by a 20 minute conversation between the floppy randoms about pointless shit and how they’re not making money. Worrying about funding and the price of the coffee I’ve been graciously provided.

‘Search Editor’: As a business…”

SEO Tramp: “Right you c*nt. Listen and listen well. 1) Although we’re about 1 month late with deliverables (the fact that a) your website’s a bloody mess and you keep changig your mind about things) here are your recommendations. So why didn’t you raise this earlier with us instead of letting fat gobsh!te getting involved?”

‘Online Marketing Senior Executive in charge of pencils’: “Well. We’ve been discussing a lot of things internally to people who don’t listen and never communicate. The upshot is you’re in the shit.”

Up.U.P.

SEO Tramp;”What you’re doing isn’t good enough. You need to do better. Why do I say that? Because, despite the fact that we are about 1 month behind on current deliverables (keyword density percentages are a very fine art – 13.6%) you’re about 6 months behind on the recommendations that have already been provided. Which you still haven’t implemented. Becuase you can’t. Because you’re a bunch of freaking upper middle class twits. Your KPI is 3,000% uplift in natural entry visits. I can’t even get the bloody data off you to show you the uplift in organic traffic without running some bloody formula. You know what. One word. ‘Megatrffikzzz'”

Senior Director of Sitting About and Not providing anything of any importance (probably went to a private school. looks down on everyone. Has a very small penis and a disatisfied wife. Kids have drug problems again. And he’s out of port and stilton).: “We feel that there has been no siginificant organically optimsed data benefit regarding the KPI’s and SLA’s put in place to optimise our alt tags and move momentum through the elephant in the room. From you. Despite the fact that we can’t (internally) actually do anything. Are those my slippers?”

SEO Tramp:”So aside from the fact that you’re done NOTHING with the advice we’vew provided. Aside from the fact that you all clearly have no idea about your business and how to run it (SPEAK TO EACH OTHER) or even make money (do we need a conversation about traffic vs conversion. Don’t answer that). I cant do any PR, Link building or anything. Yet you want to be no 1 for “twat insurance” – and lets be honest, it’s quite a competitive vertical.”

Dim Head of Unlinking Internal Marketing Campaigns: “Weeeeellllllllll. Realllllllllly Iiiiiiiii thinnnnnnnk thhaaaaaaat weeeeee shhhhhhhhooooooouuuullllld beeeeeee. (Pause for 20 minute internal conversation about how none of this conversation is feasible). Soooooooo maaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyybbbbeeeeeeee yyyyyyyoooooooooo shhhhoooooooollllldddddd….”

SEO Tramp is found several (w)hou()r(e)s later. Screaming at the sky about conversion and why he has to deal with people in knit wear.

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