As dawn breaks over the fast paced world of drinking on a park bench – chatting with the cutting edge of the digitul media world, SEO Tramp finds that the nearby phone box is ringing…
âSEO Tramp here, excuse the noise, the lads are sorting out a whip round for some more bevy.â
âIâve been liasing with the board of direrctor and we have a few points that we wish to raise with you regarding the work done on our campaign.â
Fucking hell, here we go. Someoneâs been reading SEOMoz.
âNow donât get me wrong, weâre happy with the progress on the rankingsâ
âAh, would that be the fact that you now have 5 terms on page one, in a competitive vertical, with high search terms n all that?â
âBut we feel that weâre not seeing the benefit and the lads have been having a few discussionsâ
âOur crackâ pot âIT Team have been discussing moving resource in house as they feel they especiallyâ have absolutely no bloody idea what theyâre doing âbut in reviewing the current back link profile they have a few concerns. Would you mind responding to the following…â
âSorry mate, missed most of that…guys keep it downâ
âWeâre concerned that our original target of 10,000 of the dirtiest, spam has not been achieved despite the fact that youâve had the campaign for over 7 months.â
âItâs like looking after a fine lady…you want to be treating her with a can of Tennants Super rather than Holsten Pils. Quality mate. Quality. Not quantity. Besides, youâll see that itâs all a good mix, using various tactics i.e Lambrini and Monster Munch for dinner. Canât always stack all your cans on the best shelf in the offie. Know what I mean.â
âWell I canât find half the directories that you said we have been submitted toâ
âListen mate. You get a full breakdown of everything I do. If you canât find it then I suggest you start bloody looking properly. Plus, I take no responsibility for that shit you were doing before I started. Fucks sake.â
âBut some are in the wrong category?â
âAinât my doing thatâ
âWell, weâre unhappy that youâve specified the Domain PageRank of each link and not the actual Page Rank. Weâre thinking of resourcing all our dirty link strategy in house so that we can get as many PR12 links as possible. â
âGood luck contacting NASA with that oneâ
âand some of the links are not in what we consider the best placeâ
âItâs not a perfect world. Internet less so. Iâve been doing this game for a while mate and let me tell you something, I…hang on a sec….Didnât you say that you were happy with the ranking performance?â
âWhat? Oh yes.â
âand that youâre non brand organic traffic, quotes and conversions are steadily increasing â as detailed in every bloody report I get sent to you?â
âerr yes but…â
âand that you still havenât implemented the recommendations that I told you to do months ago. You know the ones â which would remove the duplicate pages and canonical issue, look to improve the CTR of your site and get you more traffic…those changes been done yet?â
âWell weâre discussing that as an internal resource problem but…â
âSo let me get this straight. Youâre questioning all the work that Iâve recommended or done on your website rather than actually focusing on doing what Iâve told you?â
âWell we feel that….â
âYou feel that youâve read a few blogs and want to cut youâre costs because some cocky shit has decided this larkâs all really easy. Thatâs what youâve decided.â
âIâm putting you in touch with Spinning Danny at Shit & Click Media. Now fuck off and stop wasting my time.â
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