SEO Tramp – Now with those extra optimised recipricul 3 way links and shit.

Scene 1: An office somewhere. An email is opened.

Search Editor (no I don’t know either): “There have been discussions from higher up in our organistaion questioning the value of SOE..”

I could go on but I’ve wasted enough time already (my cans are getting warm thanks to fat Mary).

SEO Tramp; “F&cking c*nt. Eh?”

In a room somewhere I feel my ears burning about the disatisfaction of performance, my role, my work and what can be done i.e. another round of un-deliverable deliverables for appeasement is required.

A meeting is arranged. How to defend yourself against pointless accusations and your position, justify your value. Various floppy randoms are present.

Some eejit: “So we’re all here on Christmas Eve to discuss what value your organistation and SEO is currently providing”

This statement is then followed by a 20 minute conversation between the floppy randoms about pointless shit and how they’re not making money. Worrying about funding and the price of the coffee I’ve been graciously provided.

‘Search Editor’: As a business…”

SEO Tramp: “Right you c*nt. Listen and listen well. 1) Although we’re about 1 month late with deliverables (the fact that a) your website’s a bloody mess and you keep changig your mind about things) here are your recommendations. So why didn’t you raise this earlier with us instead of letting fat gobsh!te getting involved?”

‘Online Marketing Senior Executive in charge of pencils’: “Well. We’ve been discussing a lot of things internally to people who don’t listen and never communicate. The upshot is you’re in the shit.”

Up.U.P.

SEO Tramp;”What you’re doing isn’t good enough. You need to do better. Why do I say that? Because, despite the fact that we are about 1 month behind on current deliverables (keyword density percentages are a very fine art – 13.6%) you’re about 6 months behind on the recommendations that have already been provided. Which you still haven’t implemented. Becuase you can’t. Because you’re a bunch of freaking upper middle class twits. Your KPI is 3,000% uplift in natural entry visits. I can’t even get the bloody data off you to show you the uplift in organic traffic without running some bloody formula. You know what. One word. ‘Megatrffikzzz'”

Senior Director of Sitting About and Not providing anything of any importance (probably went to a private school. looks down on everyone. Has a very small penis and a disatisfied wife. Kids have drug problems again. And he’s out of port and stilton).: “We feel that there has been no siginificant organically optimsed data benefit regarding the KPI’s and SLA’s put in place to optimise our alt tags and move momentum through the elephant in the room. From you. Despite the fact that we can’t (internally) actually do anything. Are those my slippers?”

SEO Tramp:”So aside from the fact that you’re done NOTHING with the advice we’vew provided. Aside from the fact that you all clearly have no idea about your business and how to run it (SPEAK TO EACH OTHER) or even make money (do we need a conversation about traffic vs conversion. Don’t answer that). I cant do any PR, Link building or anything. Yet you want to be no 1 for “twat insurance” – and lets be honest, it’s quite a competitive vertical.”

Dim Head of Unlinking Internal Marketing Campaigns: “Weeeeellllllllll. Realllllllllly Iiiiiiiii thinnnnnnnk thhaaaaaaat weeeeee shhhhhhhhooooooouuuullllld beeeeeee. (Pause for 20 minute internal conversation about how none of this conversation is feasible). Soooooooo maaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyybbbbeeeeeeee yyyyyyyoooooooooo shhhhoooooooollllldddddd….”

SEO Tramp is found several (w)hou()r(e)s later. Screaming at the sky about conversion and why he has to deal with people in knit wear.

“The main channels of information available to the guerillas are newspapers, leaflets, radio, word of mouth. Other methods may be worked out and new ones invented…All the means of winning the confidence of the people must be utilised. The ideas of the movement must be so popularised that no one is in doubt – least of all the enemy – that it will win eventually.”

As dawn breaks over the fast paced world of drinking on a park bench – chatting with the cutting edge of the digitul media world, SEO Tramp finds that the nearby phone box is ringing…

“SEO Tramp here, excuse the noise, the lads are sorting out a whip round for some more bevy.”

“I’ve been liasing with the board of direrctor and we have a few points that we wish to raise with you regarding the work done on our campaign.”

Fucking hell, here we go. Someone’s been reading SEOMoz.

“Now don’t get me wrong, we’re happy with the progress on the rankings”

“Ah, would that be the fact that you now have 5 terms on page one, in a competitive vertical, with high search terms n all that?”

“But we feel that we’re not seeing the benefit and the lads have been having a few discussions”

“Our crack” pot “IT Team have been discussing moving resource in house as they feel they especially” have absolutely no bloody idea what they’re doing “but in reviewing the current back link profile they have a few concerns. Would you mind responding to the following…”

“Sorry mate, missed most of that…guys keep it down”

“We’re concerned that our original target of 10,000 of the dirtiest, spam has not been achieved despite the fact that you’ve had the campaign for over 7 months.”

“It’s like looking after a fine lady…you want to be treating her with a can of Tennants Super rather than Holsten Pils. Quality mate. Quality. Not quantity. Besides, you’ll see that it’s all a good mix, using various tactics i.e Lambrini and Monster Munch for dinner. Can’t always stack all your cans on the best shelf in the offie. Know what I mean.”

“Well I can’t find half the directories that you said we have been submitted to”

“Listen mate. You get a full breakdown of everything I do. If you can’t find it then I suggest you start bloody looking properly. Plus, I take no responsibility for that shit you were doing before I started. Fucks sake.”

“But some are in the wrong category?”

“Ain’t my doing that”

“Well, we’re unhappy that you’ve specified the Domain PageRank of each link and not the actual Page Rank. We’re thinking of resourcing all our dirty link strategy in house so that we can get as many PR12 links as possible. “

“Good luck contacting NASA with that one”

“and some of the links are not in what we consider the best place”

“It’s not a perfect world. Internet less so. I’ve been doing this game for a while mate and let me tell you something, I…hang on a sec….Didn’t you say that you were happy with the ranking performance?”

“What? Oh yes.”

“and that you’re non brand organic traffic, quotes and conversions are steadily increasing – as detailed in every bloody report I get sent to you?”

“err yes but…”

“and that you still haven’t implemented the recommendations that I told you to do months ago. You know the ones – which would remove the duplicate pages and canonical issue, look to improve the CTR of your site and get you more traffic…those changes been done yet?”

“Well we’re discussing that as an internal resource problem but…”

“So let me get this straight. You’re questioning all the work that I’ve recommended or done on your website rather than actually focusing on doing what I’ve told you?”

“Well we feel that….”

“You feel that you’ve read a few blogs and want to cut you’re costs because some cocky shit has decided this lark’s all really easy. That’s what you’ve decided.”

“I’m putting you in touch with Spinning Danny at Shit & Click Media. Now fuck off and stop wasting my time.”

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